this is my last post

for real. I try so hard to get shut down so many times cause there is always someone better then me. whether it is in relationships, work, or even just friendships I am always that other guy. I am gonna try to make it into graduate school but if I dont make it then I will have lost what little hope I have left. my life feels like a downward spiral, at one point i felt like I did have it all but that point is gone and now I feel as if I am alone and all my aspirations are vanishing before my eyes. so here is my good bye to anyone who cares. from this point on I may be a different person, I will continue to hold my moral values but I wont be quick to be a friend just to be let down. i am saying good bye now with hopes of change.

why does it feel like I am at the same standstill that I have been at for so long. I showed my flaws for the first time and now I feel like no one actually wants to care anymore. Things need to change...
I took a job filming for Disney in the parks, could be a good start to a career, who knows. Maybe it'll be the new start I have been hoping for.

For now I am free diving like no other, going next thursday to free dive at South Beach.

I feel

happy for all those that are happy, I feel grateful for all those that have what they have always wanted, but I myself feel a lone and unwanted. It's like the biggest parts of my life vanished and i am my only friend. Miami is probably the loneliest city ever, I never fit in anywhere. During highschool I didn't fit in with any group or click, I had friends but I rarely hung out with them. The other day I was talking to an old friend who told me that my best friend since middle school "moved on", I know he is right but it kinda sucks that the friend who used to come to me for advice and would call me everyday, we'd hang out and get sick off the most ridiculous ice cream sundaes with more toppings then we could handle. Never thought I would be this a lone, ever.....

you know what?

as shitty as things may be watching the Graduate made me really realize something. I am exactly like Benjamin Braddock, a graduate who has not a thought in the world were I am going but am ok with it and I will fight for the girl I want even if I dont know who she is. That really confusing girl came over today, the girl that I kissed and then she told me that she was in love with her ex and then she kissed me, yeah well she watched the movie with me and kept inching closer but I denied her. She's just full of problems that I dont need and she told me "Can we pretend that never happened?" the first time we kissed. Who says that and then expects something to come out of coming over. I finally said she could come over because I wanted her to know I dont want a part of something that wont end well. I've been fucked over before which might be why this doesnt suck as much. oh well it happens and for the first time I just do not care at all, it just seems ok to me. I wanna go back to Cali but I know I wont be able to afford the rent out there that my parents want me to pay. I got $5,000 saved up but it aint gonna do me any good just wasting it on rent without a job. I gotta see what I can do I guess.


I wrote this, it's kinda cute I guess. It is for an acoustic song i am gonna record, if anyone is reading this I could really use the notes or a critique.

Hell is a fine place
Where all our villains go to lay
Together you’ll find we could make this world great
If only it weren’t too late
Fate is a fine shade of black
Of which could never be a fact

Hell gives one hell of a night a new name
Brings the bad news to a close
The night my heart froze
So even the worst of the worst could be put to frame
Nothing could ever be the same
Man that night was really lame
Tell me what was going through your head
When you said what you said

When a timid kiss transformed bliss
Would be one thing to state that this was fate
I got a broken heart
Of which was never together from the start
How could I pretend it never happened
You kissed me and told me the plane has landed
Or that’s just how it sounded
When you took what little I had left
I wish I had just one last breath

So here we are
At this lonely street of ours
Pretending to just be friends
So we wouldn’t have any problems to mend
No chances taken
No problems created
When our simple lives faded

We stay away from what’s keeping us a live
Livid dreams awaken us from a sleepless slumber
Askin where will we go
Where will I be
Some kind of sick sob story
That defines me
Really appreciate
Cut me off
Pull the plug
Heartbeats slowed down
To a mere beat a minute
Cut me off
Arbitrary and tough
Staring through bloodshot eyes
Silence haunts my forever-thoughtful mind

Toggle between heartbreak and a sickened happiness
Broken apart from simplified bliss
Taken, broken, beaten
Bloodied and battered my mind grows weary
Cruel sharp blades clearly defined as hope
Hard to cope with being grateful
Lying breathless there in a desert of pain
My blood turned to rain.
Clearly the truth starts to fade
Breaking my concentration
Liberation of a broken mind

my view of the recession

Recessed Emotion
So Full comes the blood drained from an aristocrat
Warm days fall to the cold nights
As poignant figures push for the forthcoming light

Starry eyes watch as hopes and dreams shatter
Horrified as the once clear image turns a crimson red
Burdened from the world around

Where love penetrates a worthy lifestyle with plea and forgiveness
Suddenly sorrow becomes the new happiness
Fixtures of horrific nightmares become a harsh reality

When at one time success ruled
Unwanted revolutions have once again hung the upper class
Now what once was is a myth turned to a false dream

Dreams have fallen to a mere opinion
To see the unworthy dream is now the laughing stock of the unified failure
Where failure finds its way in a fight must be upheld and pain must be endured

I walk this world with closed eyes
Shielding myself from the horrors of the world
Masking the terrors of death and war
Keeping all that makes the world go round away
What I see damages me
Leaves me wanting more
For my closed eyes are eyes that keep the truth
My love has become tainted with worry and hope

Fearing the day everything will end
Overcome by a bitter sweet acceptance
It sends a mind numbing chill of which non could fend
Paralyzed, I may now fear no more
There is a horrible truth
In why people enjoy the pain
A bloodlust for sorrow
These shielded eyes should know

haha

I am too tired to care anymore, as cold as I may be getting I will always be there for every one of my true friends. Hannah I swear on my life we will be able to hang out soon! Oh and I haven't really written a song for a while so you can tell I am super stoked on this one! Read it if you'd like:

This is my story
A life with no chance at glory
Winners never win In a world so thin
Lovers fall again and again
Who cares about a never has been!

My demons flaws by definition
My only true friend
The only ones who understand
When everythin comes to an end

You never gave me a chance
To understand where i went wrong
Love me or hate me
Either way, leave me be!
Dont ever take me back
You're a mistake learned and lesson lost

My demons flaws by definition
My only true friend
The only ones who understand
When everythin comes to an end

WOW!

Sound and Fury was all I wanted and more from a show! Every band I saw today was great! So all the madness started when Guns Up! played and a security guard was trying to get people off the stage and everyone jumped him, although I dont agree with jumping someone who was doing their job, the ending result was amazing cause Guns Up! finished their set and told everyone to run outside to the closed off resting area where Trash Talk was set up to play in a U-Haul truck! IT WAS INCREDIBLE! People were doing front flips off the UHaul and going insane! This is why I continue to listen and participate in hardcore and why I will never change, this is what I know and being any different could never work.




Tanny quit being a stranger!

SOUND AND FURY TODAY!

SO STOKED!!!!!
Betrayed
Creatures
Cut the Line
Foundation
Gone But Not Forgotten
Guns Up!
Lewd Acts
Obliteration
On
Psyched to Die
Reign Supreme
Retaliate
Sabertooth Zombie
Shai Hulud
Shook Ones
Streetwalkers
The Rival Mob
Touche Amore
Trash Talk

plus there is always a special guest on the last day! Hopefully Have Heart!

I take a look around me

Although I may be disgusted with how fake the world may be and how two sided everyone is, I find it in my heart to hold hatred back. It makes you weak to truly hate anything, your mind begins to race faster then the speed of sound and you wish the worst for those who offend you, but if anything were to happen to those people your satisfaction would not be as adequate as the feeling of never letting the smallest things get to you. Everyone finds something new to hate and everyone aint me, for I am different and different I will stay. Quite frankly I dont care if people forget about me or never talk to me again cause I am my own best friend and I am quite comfortable without others problems. You all fight, you all swear, you all pretend like things will get better through mindless actions when in reality the facade never truly wins it just finds itself empty in the end, unfullfilled. Quote me or antagonize me, seriously it doesnt matter to me cause this is my point of view. Hatred is clumsy emotion, first you hate, then you loath, then you are hated and the cycle never ends. This whole thing might seem like me just going on a tangent and to some it may not make sense but it does to me and hopefully others will understand where I am coming from.

well

i got another job offer from Fox Reality for another 10 days except this time the show is gonna be with German contestants and the show is gonna be in German... oh well $275 a day aint bad, I am definitely not turning that down.




i miss you.

it'd be in my best interest

to just look the other way. to forget we ever had a "thing".
i really just want to treat a girl with the utmost respect, i felt sick today when my friend told me he wanted to congratulate his friend for being a "player". that stuff is retarded and I am so glad I am not like that, but no girl recognizes how i would be different from other guys.
I want so bad to have a girl who respects me for me, a girl I can have fun with and who I dont feel I have to go out of my way to impress.
i know this one girl who I have liked for a while but I know she doesn't and wont like me the same while, I wanna forget about ever liking her but this is the girl I just described.

what do I do?

My attempt at Horror Punk

Coffin nails for the door hinges
Razor blades for knobs
No way out
One way in
Problems, obstacles, regrets
Figurative points with no way around
Bodies hang from my windowsill
Skeletons in the basement
Horrific memories stored for later
When forever turns to never

I took a look into your eyes
And with a spoon, no more lies
Scooped out the curse that haunts my dreams
You're eyes like switchblades
My body, the target
No time for beauty in a girl so wicked
So stab me darling
Turn my body to a pulp
Leave no evidence of a battered body
Don't let them see what you've done
My lifeless corpse
Evidence of a fake love turned horribly wrong
Livid hurts the boiling fever
When forever turns to never

time

doesn't heal a god damn thing if you don't put in any effort.

such a good day!

it was awesome thrift store jumping and trying on rediculous outfits with hannah, chris, and mal! cant wait to do it again and to buy that painting for 40 bucks!

lately

the only thoughts that consume my mind are the thoughts that never have any true meaning. thoughts I can not and would never want to explain. I am finding it hard to sleep cause my head is a incoherent mess. I struggle to find solidarity within a lonely lifestyle and have grown weary to having any company at all. Its like everything I used to be is now gone, I used to need the company around and now I hate it. I write well constructed lyrics but if there was a window peering into my mind you would see nothing but a mess of words. I have been thinking and only thinking, thinking way too much is a sickness.

for once

I would like to be cliche, you know? I'd like a girl I could take out on a date and on New Years or the 4th of July I could kiss her under fireworks. I'd take her on the most amazing old school dates and stuff and we would have nothing but fun. Instead I am alone again on a holiday I actually like, its been like this for years, girls just mess with my head and not once was one truthful to me. The only time I "loved" someone she dumped me and I haven't been the same since. I was so careful with her, I tried to do everything right and I did my best to try and make the relationship last and she dumped me sooner then I thought she would. Been single for over a year and it is getting tiring. It's officially the fourth of July and again I am alone...

do i want sympathy for writing this? no, I dont even think anyone will read this. I never tell anyone anything and I guess this is my only way of actually "venting" without anyone caring.

vagabond

One day I hope to vanish
To disappear as if I was illusion
I want to find myself where no one sees me as a familiar face
My name will be a figment of many imaginations alike
When I am mentioned in conversation I wish for it to change

I want to wake up in a new town
To walk the streets with no recognition
My mom wanted to change my name to James Dean
One day I’ll wake up James Dean and all
I want to vanish into thin air

Just pick my stuff up and go
Travel light, enough to fit in my car
No goodbyes, no hat-trick show
I just wanna take my car and go as far as I can go

Houdini once said, “It is still an open question, however, as to what extent exposure really injures a performer.”
I wish for no exposure, for exposure equals pain
He also said, “The easiest way to attract a crowd is to let it be known that at a given time and a given place some one is going to attempt something that in the event of failure will mean sudden death.”
If I want people to know where I stand I’ll just tell people I am going to die.

thinking

Lay awake with eye lids heavy,
Eyes watery and the mind is weary,
My head is searching for that one sign of closure,
That one sign that leads to my dreamlike state,
"Why couldn't it be her?"
Never been so complacent while still my self-esteem remains low
There remains that one unanswered question
And there my mind remains restless
A dreary head lies on a heart trying to keep its composure.

got offered another job!

working for FOX Reality TV for $275.00 a day for 10 days! Right as I started to get scared things picked themselves right back up! I am so relieved!

In Atlanta right now celebrating my brothers B-Day with him, I am just in a very comfortable place right now and it rules! There is and always will be something that could make things better but as of right now those things don't really matter to me very much.

AMAZING!

Never been so scared

my mom called me first to tell me my little sister is sick,
then my brother calls me and says she is in the hospital,
afterward I had to talk to my mom to learn she had appendicitis and might be rushed to surgery cause it bursted.
she is fine now after surgery but I have never been so scared, never cared so much for another human being. she means the world and more to me and I am going to treat her like the princess she is when I get home!

Ever write what first comes to your head?

Sorry signifies sorrow’s shadow
Apologetic after angst
Lively living lethargically
Apologetic sorrow lives within my very soul

Resting restlessly, raging ruthlessly
The heart of a lion rests peacefully within the very skin of a field mouse
But the field mouse was never taken seriously

I remember when you used to call me perfect,
Of course I would disagree and suggest the opposition to perfection
For no man is perfect and I am no exception
Just like the mouse I am small but sight is the clear sense of deception

Shine a little light

Where the light divides the day
The night finds a way to stay
Can’t wait for it to get late
So unaware of my current state
I’m just not ready to, not ready for this to end

All problems set aside
Anxious for only satisfaction to come from street lights
Off work, off to the ever lovin night
This is all that feels right
Great Heights could never measure the magic that comes from the sight of the street lights
Every fight every struggle left to die
The lights are a sign
Everything’s fine
So please shine a little light on me
So I may see where I should truly be

Last night

was fun, went to my friends graduation party which got kinda weird once the older friends left. Afterward I chilled with my good friend Jacob from Total Resistance and we had probably one of the more intellectual conversations I have had in a while about friendships and how they all kinda fade away after a while, how one thing leads to another and then the end result is inevitable. We also talked about straight edge and how so many of our friends broke and even though we dont care what our friends do with their lives cause it is their decision it still kinda pains us to see them turn their back on something they once believed in. There is no reason to not have their back however, even if we don't agree turning our back means we were never their friend.
Friendships do come and go very quickly despite what we believe, but their is that one rare occasion.

Going into E3 I spotted some protestors so I interviewed one of them

and here is what happened! HAHA WHY DID I HAND THE GUY THE MIC!

I'm truly happy

I've got pure unadulterated happiness,
I'm 21 and still Straight Edge despite the "temptation" which consist of "you're 21 party a little!" haha lame! I am content and joyful with my well-being right now, life is good! things can only get better, even if it'll be difficult or nearly impossible i'll believe in myself cause that is the only person i should ever rely on.



For the first time in a while I'm smiling about nothing and it feels great!

DAMN EXCITED!

starting a rock'n'roll punk hardcore band! gonna be pure fun and true hardcore, NO BULLSHIT! its a mix between Misfits, Black Flag and Hour of the Wolf plus a little modern hardcore in the mix like Have Heart and Sinking Ships, it'll be something different or at the least I hope so!

OH HOLY CRAP!

I am excited for what lies ahead, take it I am frightened beyond all belief but excited non-the-less! I hope I end up working for Travel Channel, Discovery, or Animal Planet but who knows for sure what'll happen! I can't believe 3 years have passed by!


Well I am going to Atlanta June 23-29 to visit my brother!

i am still

and will always be happy and cheerful!

oh man

all my life consists of now is working out, going to work and school. I rarely see my friends, I wish things were like they used to be, when I had friends that really wanted me to come over or when we would go super late at night and do runs to 7-11! I wish I had someone to truly talk to, all the people I used to always talk to kinda drifted away....

LA soon and then it will hopefully be new friends and new memories! I can't wait to travel the world soon. I am gonna start with New York in August and then it's off to Spain in September!



PS just about everyone I know sucks at being upfront, no one tells me what's on their mind or what they truly think the answer is, they just beat around the bush. Don't worry I am a big boy and believe me the answer wont hurt my feelings.
Altogether I have had only a few friends be upfront with me and it felt good: Martin, Britanny, Chris (Smurf), Joel, Dave and Cody.

Is it really that hard to give me an honest and truthfully answer, white lies are still LIES!

same day, same story

just watched nick and nora's infinite playlist, it was really good! made me want a girl who is fun to hang out with.

reno next weekend! if you know me then you know what reno means!
i can't wait to have fun and not have a worry in the world!
the second that needle peirces my skin and injects the ink is the second I forget about everything, th greatest feeling in the world!


well my dogs squeeling which means I gotta walk him. gonna take him to the dog park, shits gonna rule!

oh and he just ran into a wall with a blanket over his head hahahaha!

This goes out to many kids in Miami

Can’t stand these true lies
Plaugin the times with lines
Lines white like the ghosts you pray you never find
They find you only to become you and run you
One, two, these numbers ensue you
But numbers can’t count the dead
What you dread found a way into your head
An Illness caught by a sickness so strong the death toll’s now countless
What’s this? These questions are endless, the answers are relentless
No prisoners, no remorse, once the sickness takes its course
Through your veins all behind closed doors,
A body soars, through the imaginary sky of lies,
Everything is fine till a limp body hits the floor
Now this high you have come to adore hit it and quit it like a filthy whore
Torn, motionless and broken your eyes see nothing but darkness
Senseless minds now wasted, priceless endorphins left you lifeless
Ribs cracked, arms snapped, the cold hard cement now a pillow, results of your recent relapse
Your eyes cry tears of blood as you’re soaked in your own vomit
Although the cement broke your fall you still plummet,

Can’t find this so called mind
Lines took up your time
Nine lives narrowed down to a dime
Lies of signs that lead your façade of a life
Now too late your body relies on the slice of a knife
A corpse upon the cold hard steel things just got real
A race against time your body is far from fine
May be close to death now but the truth is you’ve been dead for years
One of your latest past times just became one of your greatest fears

realizations of a better day

over the past few days I realized how great of friends I have and what they all think of me, really boosted my self esteem and made me happy. they told me they have respect for me cause I dont have to fight physically to hurt someone, I just use words and I didn't know so many people thought I was the nicest kid they know really made me smile. haha now I need a nice girl to realize the same thing! it might be because when I say my friends come first I mean it.

when you take a look around you your problems never seem that big compared to a 13 year old kid who is suicidal or others that have to struggle everyday just for a piece of bread. My friend told me when he grows up he wants a 6 million dollar mansion and I disagreed, I said I want a nice small house next to a beach. I really dont want to be filthy rich, I just want to make enough money to travel the world and take care of my family.




everyday i make the same wish and hope it comes true eventually.
oh and i just woke up!

hahaha

my dog ran into the screen door today cause he didnt know it was there!

a few friends and I went kayaking in the ocean, it was so relieving and a seal swam next to us!
if I could I would kayak everyday! more of a reason to live next to the ocean! I can't wait to kayak again, off to the dog park!

Britanny bring Peanut so he can play with Winston!

my best friend

just pooped on my bed and couch! yet he's still amazing!

I wanna delete

everything I have that has to do with the internet haha
my friend and I were talking about relationships and I have come to realize I suck and here is the reasons why:
1. The only girls I ever truly like will never and have never liked me back.
2. The only girl to ever dump me was the girl I cared most about.
3. I stopped feeling as if I was good enough for any girl, I got no self-esteem anymore.
4. The single timer is now at 1 year and 3 months
5. I think I am just gonna be single for another year

pictures I entered into a competition

i hope i do well!

wrote something originally and deleted it

So here I am content without actually being content, I am somewhat happy.

so here is the deal!

I am graduating in August and traveling the world or as much as I can get to!
Starting with NYC and then going to England, Scotland, and Ireland and then continuing my journey by taking a train to Spain and afterward crossing over to Morocco to see my family. Then I will come back home and work for a year and then it is off to Australia!


wanna come?

I can't wait

for summer, all the things I said I'd do and all the things that are going to happen!
I hope everything goes as planned! Winston is learning how to be a good dog, it's taking time but slowly and surely he is getting better at not pissing in my house!

Britanny I hope your sister gets better soon and Have Heart still has till October which is their last show in Boston, they might be at Sound and Fury so get your ass out here!

Keepin my head up is the best thing I have done for myself so far!

WOW!

Have Heart is done?! Hardcore is officially dead! In the last 2 years so many of my favorite bands kicked the bucket:
Set it Straight
See it Through
Allegiance
Have Heart
Verse
Life Long Tragedy
Modern Life is War
and much more.....

damn it! Well at least Floorpunch is back and so is H2O and possibly Ten Yard Fight!

haha woohoo!

still single and hating it but as happy as I can be :)
maybe it's cause the girls suck here or maybe I am just not good enough for a nice respectable girl. what ever the reason is I just dont care anymore, it's been over a year and a half since I have had a girlfriend and there is only so much time that a guy can care about if he is single or not.

got news from my dad that a bunch of lawyers got fired in NY and he's scared about his job and so am I, if he loses his job I gotta move back to FL I might just move back anyway though, not for sure but a good possibility.

I wanna be like James Cagney

I've thought about it

and decided that in the end when all is said and done I will or really wanna be in England.

all I can say is OI!

damn I am happy!

watching english films makes me love the word CUNT more then I already do haha!

have ya ever wondered...

if ya did things way differently how things would be now?

pfft who am I kidding, everyone has!

what if I studied harder? what if I applied to Emerson University? I really wish I tried to get in when I had the chance.

So I've got another chance to change things and get into a good school to get my masters and I better really try this time and not just say I am going to!

i realize

that what I said was entirely idiotic and I almost regret saying it but it was the truth. I need to stop being so down and out cause I know that is not how I want to be. I have everything I need and want right now and I should be happy. I guess it is weird to go from the way things were to the way they are now. I just wish I could have as much fun as I used to.






pebbles can you please come to california? haha I will pay for your ticket in full, I just need some real fun.

who I was

is not who I am now, I am not the same "JD" everyone got to know and I will never be him again.

my puppy likes blackberries

he's adorable and very obedient, has a bit of a biting problem but what puppy doesn't.
my best friend by far.




I want what I could never and I stress NEVER have.

fuck it

what's the point?

grandpa!

had dinner with my grandpa and reminisced about old times. I said, and Lidia agreed with me, my grandpa is like Monk off the TV show Monk trait for trait but if it weren't for his OCD he wouldn't be as funny as he was back in the day. When I was little I used to mess with all his stuff when he took me on trips and rearrange and turn stuff in different directions so when he came back he would change everything back and then he would laugh. I love him so much, by far one of the greatest reasons to visit! He told me he is going to pass all his old drawings, which were incredible, down to me as soon as he finds them! When he told me that I was more excited then I have been in ages, I can't wait to frame every pic and brag about them to my friends and visitors telling them my grandpa did that!

I hate coming to Miami

and hanging with friends cause the majority of them forgot about me anyway, why would they remember me or want to hang out with me. If it wasn't for my family there would not be a reason to come to this fucking shit hole. It sucks to have the majority of my best friends forget about me, these are friends that I spent almost everyday of highschool hanging out with and now I am just a past memory. The only reason this bothers me is my all time greatest friend from Middle school invited me to come hangout with her and some friends and she acted like I wasn't there and then I try talkin to her later and she acts like she really doesn't want to speak to me. Losing old friends is like losing old memories even if people say old memories are always there to stay.

Winston is by far my best friend with the exception of shitting on my bed today! I couldn't ask for a better dog ever, he follows me everywhere now and keeps a smile on my face which is something I am just getting used to.


I am uncomfortably comfortable being alone.

bleh my face hurts

so much! I was awake the majority of the operation on getting my wisdom teeth pulled, it was so weird!



Britanny Lobdell I got news for ya. Please try and call me again, I am at the point where I can talk and there is no one I want to talk to more! I still can't believe you called me the one time I couldn't talk, when I was on the plane!

all in all I

just became a lot happier!

All i gotta say is

I am going to pick up Winston tomorrow and I have never been more excited!

What happens when dreams become the only source of communication?

They say dreams come true
Dreams of unrelenting joy
Dreams in which I would never have to wake up
For waking up disrupts that of which I don't have to wish will come true

Then there are the dreams of an unsurpassed terror
Nightmares by definition
No words could do these dreams justice
Justice through the jaws of a hardened criminal

Dreams are like wishes brought to life
Then in the blink of an eye taken away
Forgotten with no sign of recovery
Why does this always happen to me?

Dream, to dream, to hope for a better day
To always have something to say
And for that something you said to haunt you as your eyelids shut
Accountable for anything I say or do, whether I like it or not

But one dream keeps reoccurring
A dream I can't ever see coming true
It's one where I see someone I had never met
With this dream I wish came a clue

She haunts me as she looks into my some-what non-existent eyes
Where is this ghost now, this beautiful punishment?
Could she be a product of my lonely imagination through and through?
Or maybe she is the wish that still needs to become true.

Why is it that anger finds its way to show itself every time I awake?
Realizations of never going to get this one sense of satisfaction
Every time I dream I believe
Every time I awake I deny

just

got my first laser removal today and all I can smell is the glorifying scent of burned hair and skin. It really didn't hurt all that bad but I wish I was more careful when I was getting the tattoo.

Last night my grandpa wanted me to read him some of the stuff I wrote so I did. I never felt better, he is by far one of the only ones to make me feel like I am wanted.

School is almost over before my week vacation which means that I will have my dog soon.





I am the forgotten.

beauty.

Many have lost touch with what beauty is. It all relies on personality, a gorgeous super model loses her sense of beauty the second arrogance takes over. People need to accept other not by looks or first appearances but by an everlasting impression invisible to the naked eye.

haha I have a crush on Julie Andrews, also known as Marry Poppins, in the past such natural beauty and the most amazing voice ever!

I got the most retarded smile on my face cause I am really genuinely happy like I always used to be! I still can't believe in a few months I will be trekking either across Europe or Australia. Doin a lot of research before I go and picked the one friend I would like to go with. How was I so lucky to have the greatest family in the world. I love them with all my heart, as for this one mystery friend you know who you are and I hope you will come with me! You have been my best friend for soooooo long and we have been by each others sides more then enough times without actually being there. I couldn't ask for a better friend!


I LOVE LIFE RIGHT NOW!!!!

this morning I woke up with dry blood all over my face and hands.
could be the dry air or a mixture of things,
all I know is I slept through my bloody nose.

there really isn't much to say now, I have no poem and no deep inner thoughts.
as of right now I am void of any deep emotions and to be quite honest it feels nice.

been too long

Arbitrary to the weary
Strength through hopeful desires
Living with eyes constantly teary
Content with something to hope for
Misanthropic ideals coming from a loving mind
This world offers so much to hate and despise
Religion and racial slurs killing time after time
When will humanity see the world through a blind man’s eyes?
No skin color, no perfection through an anorexic lifestyle
This disgust stretches for a mile
Respect lost without any signs of recovery
In a recession full of lost souls
Personalities once full now empty
This sadness has left many gaping wholes

...and love, oh the sweet stench of love
The sickness we call love for another
A sickness better accepted,
and when weary let go
Speaking too hastly some may say
Love may leave some with a broken clock
The clock resting inbetween your ribcage
That no longer goes tic toc tic toc
Rightfully so it helps those with a series of mishaps
One must fail on numerous occasions to succeed
Mother always said learn from your mistakes
For your mistakes will often become your accomplishments
What if my mistakes are outnumbered?
Out Dated?
There will always be that perfect answer, that perfect number,
Maybe that number is waiting, holding still
No time waited is worthy without searching
Spend less time sobbing and more time trying

surprises

are meant to show someone you still care enough to not tell
you'll see!

wow

my mom was on the phone with me today and she managed to ask me the one question I hate most cause I honestly can't answer it "JD, why don't you have a girlfriend?" of which I managed to answer with "I dunno, if I knew why then I would probably have a girlfriend."
I was really enjoying myself and didn't mind being single and then that question just brought everything back. My friend cody was there to cheer me up by telling me this being single thing wont last long and there are a ton of girls that like me, none of which he could name, but it was worth the effort. He then said "Don't you worry I will set ya up with a nice girl, alright?" but I just said "Thanks man but no, I'll wait till the right girl comes along."

my only question is how much longer?

despite my recent bad luck

I am happy, been in a good mood all day and I aint gonna let that go away. I gotta go look at condos today some more, my parents made a offer on this really nice one but we dunno if they are accepting it yet and we won't for another few weeks! I hate all the waiting but when all is said and done I know I will be happier then I have ever been, mostly cause I will have my best friend Tanny and Winston by my side in a few months! AHH I can't wait! I really hope things go as planned and everything works out in the end.

fuck good luck

last night on the freeway my tire blew up, and I had to pull over to the side and try and change it, wouldn't you know it my tire wrench wasn't in my car! so I had to wait for my friend to get there at 1 in the morning to give it to me. A cop pulled over to help me and then when i was finished changing the tire my battery died, fully! we tried rebooting it and no luck, the piece of shit was dead! so my car is at barnes and noble in the parking lot just sitting there helpless and none of my friends can help me move it right now. not to mention I was supposed to go to LA today to go look at places to live in. this is my last weekend to look, fuck this.

my hat is full of tricks, non of which will benefit me in any way at all!

I want this carved into my skin

"Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove.

O, no, it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come:

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ, nor no man ever loved." -William Shakespeare 1609

the greatest flaw that life carries upon its narrow shoulders,

is the feeling of love,
just another intangible "thing" I can no longer feel for another,
when I felt it there was nothing I wanted more,
now that I can't have it I don't want it,
it's been a long time since the shoe fit,
all I can do is wait and pay love no attention,
is it wrong? do I have the wrong intention?



i really need my puppy right now...

new tats

are so relieving, it's like a new car, you just want to look at em forever and there is nothing that can convince you it wasn't worth the money!
I got a best friend that I miss so much and I owe her a tattoo that she is gonna get after we hangout. Well come on then, that tattoo gun is getting cold!

Maybe one day all my dreams and wishes will come true but till then I will just have to wait.

MY BABY! Haha that is Winston with Mikayla!
Winston we are going to travel the world conquering cities one by one! Love you!

Went looking for places today and found a really nice studio where they were cool with me having a dog! The pool was really nice and so was the gym plus it had tennis, volleyball, and basketball courts. I am getting my dog as a therapy dog so I don't have to pay the pet rent. But even while I was there I my mind was elsewhere, I am still happy but every time I go anywhere I feel like there is something missing.



britanny lobdell where did you go? I miss having you as my best friend, you're right things have changed but they can change for the better I promise! I hope you are doing well and everything is as good as it can be.

I can feel...

I can feel myself getting smaller,
getting older,
getting lonelier,
getting stronger,
Could it be that my weakness is also my strength?
There is so much I'd like to say,
So much time to say it,
But time is wistful,
Right when we think there is an endless amount,
Procrastination takes its toll,
Now there is a hole,
Full of unanswered questions and what could've beens,
There is lots of things I wish I did,
Now it's too late and I am gonna have to cope,
You know what? I am ok with that cause I still got hope.

scared

today I drew a picture and as weird as this sounds it scared me. I almost don't want to explain what the drawing was, you'd have to see it yourself or talk to me about it. It started as a poem and to the right I began to draw my grandpa running like he once could. he was holding his cane in his right hand as if he didn't need it. There were stairs that ended abruptly and hovering there at the end was the Angel of Death holding his hand out to him, my grandpa was reaching to grab the hand of the Grim Reaper. He was running up these stairs like he was ready, why did I draw this? I am scared, no lie. I talk to my grandpa more then any friend and I love him, to see him in a wheelchair with a smile upon his ageless face keeps me going. It wont be the same when I go to Miami and I can't visit him.

Thoughts flowing like an uncontrollable rapid,
Honestly the answers are no longer feasible,
Where crossroads meet and forks divide,
There's a sign of guidance,

Sitting there for everyone to see, so vivid,
Yet to every living soul it's invisible,
Could literally be staring eye to eye,
No one thinks it makes any sense,

Slowly one after another lives ended,
Ignorance could never be so insensible,
Signs make lives livable,
You just gotta be willing to take the dance.

Gaping Wholes

Arbitrary to the weary
Strength through hopeful desires
Living with eyes constantly teary
Content with something to hope for
Misanthropic ideals coming from a loving mind
This world offers so much to hate and despise
Religion and racial slurs killing time after time
When will humanity see the world through a blind man’s eyes?
No skin color, no perfection through an anorexic lifestyle
This disgust stretches for a mile
Respect lost without any signs of recovery
In a recession full of lost souls
Personalities once full now empty
This sadness has left many gaping wholes

There are some with their heads held high
Looking down at misdirected hatred from their pedestal
Living off hopes and goals
Loving every breath taken and every choice made
Every mistake turned to lesson
There is never a time where all hope is lost
Just keep your head up and try to pay the cost

I got so much going for me and yet I still feel slightly empty. Not gonna lie I am happy, no doubt about it. Its just I feel like things could be better, it's like being content with something to hope for. Why can't the summer just be here already, I will have a job and a dog, possibly a room mate I can actually trust. But who knows what the future holds....

all these open wounds we could mend,

what's most frightening is losing you as a friend.

Wrote a story, tell me what ya think!

Terrible we find the truth
Hidden except when needed least
Losing all there is to lose
A hungry man with everything but a feast
Lonely with everything but love
Sad and looking at the night sky above
Realizations about reality
Keepers keep the key
Now starved the man’s dying of being too full
Got everything but what’s needed
Life begins to get dull
All advice stricken from the books
What’s advice when it’s a contradiction to the advisor
Useless when needed
All problems exceeded
Trying so hard to see what can’t be seen
Tries talking but no one knows what he means
Now invisible, blind and incoherent
Kept everything back with no room to vent.

Sitting lifeless he keeps back
There is no prearranged track
No getting up and no sitting down
What’s next? Where does he go?
A quick glance allowed eyes to capture another
For a quick minute lives locked
Could she be the one?
Are all his problem’s done?
Time flies and illnesses fade
Months come and go like trade
Untouchable, as far from loneliness as can be
Maybe this is the food he needs
“Could this love be the cure for me?”
Sights lost and again he can’t see
Been through worse and not giving up

Tries to get more from love
Goes back to the girl, still incoherent
She looks into his eyes
This time with a look of discontent
She sees he’s blind
He’s wants what she can never find
“Where’s the girl I met last year?”
He asked as he shed the first imaginary tear
“Sorry, she’s gone and wants nothing more.”
The “Sorry” was like a stab through the heart
A note left that he can’t read
This was not what he needs
A temporary blindness made permanent
All of a sudden what once was a cure
Now a plague of undesired love
What was the love for?
What is ever enough?

Blind, bruised and broken
Longing for a woman’s touch that once was
A smile appears upon his lifeless body
Lying still across the floor
Finding happiness where no one expects
Sight returns and colors fill the air
He takes a look at the world around him
Where did he go? When did he return?
Was it the sorrow that made him happy?

Copied off Britanny, part 2

How did I get to be so lucky?
Who would’ve thought you would wanna be friends with me?
So far yet so close
All I wanna do is take you to the best shows
It’s true I wanna get to travel to somewhere new
Finding the time to really get to know you
I wanna hold your hand
Be your guide when times are rough
Just like the sand
Time spent with you could never be enough
We’ll sit back when tired and just hang out and talk
Watching movies and taking the dog for a walk
Why is it that we live on opposite sides of the country?
Why is it that is has taken this long for you to meet me?
My best friend and the most amazing girl
All I wanna do is show you the world

I sorta copied you Britanny :)

An aspiring vagabond with a home
I wanna be the tourist without the tour
Wandering from place to place just to see the world
There is a sense of adventure in being lost
Lost but in a good way
Just like a movie I just wanna hit play
Let everything unfold before my very eyes
Now life can take on a new size
Surrounded by strangers that aren't so strange
Not as much fun if its arranged
From Ireland to England
From Japan to China
From Morocco to Spain
From Australia to Russia
I want to travel the world more with someone new
If there is anyone I want to travel with it's you

I AM SO STOKED!

Hopefully Britanny will be here in APRIL!
This has been the best birthday ever, got to talk to my best friend all day (which I would love to get used to, even though I already am), my mom got me a bunch of stuff, oh and this:

SAY HELLO TO WINSTON, COMING MARCH 16!

Another day
Another story
Another way
Another journey
Another reason to be happy and outright
Another sorrow to keep us down and out of sight
Another person to make us angry and neglected
Another method to keep calm and collected
Another problem with the world around us
Another government putting up a illogical fuss
Breaking away from the everyday
Hiding where no one can find me
Leaving all the nonsense behind
All I want is a beautiful constant
All the problems fade
Hopefully left with the joyous day to day

Have you ever taken the time to stare into an old man's eyes? I am being serious, you'll see wisdom and sadness that many have forgotten about, they have lost most of everything that made them happy. They have seen more then you can imagine, behind those eyes is every emotion mashed together and a form of happiness non of us can feel. As I look at my grandpa and truly stare him straight in the eyes I see a form of being content with life and how much he has experienced as if he doesn't want to die but when that day comes he will accept it with open arms. It's like he is proud of the accomplishments he has achieved in his life but just wants to be there for those who love him. True unselfishness comes from that man's heart. Whenever I am with him he promises me money when he dies and I answer him with the same response "I don't want it." He never looks at me with a puzzled face though as if he knows that is how I will answer him, he is the only one who knows me all too well as if he can predict my every move and will be right every step of the way. When I am with my grandpa everything is alright, he accepts me with or without tattoos and piercings, he knows how it feels to feel trapped and wanting to fend for yourself and can guide me skillfully through any obstacle. You think you have lived till you have truly stared an old man straight in the eyes and then you realize you aren't even half way there. All these cocky teenagers that have done so many drugs there mind isn't ever fully there think they have lived cause they had it rough when they were on meth, pot, or cocaine the majority of their short lives when in reality they have wasted their whole life while I was busy living it. You don't gain life experiences by doing drugs, you just lose time worth living.

Forgiveness is a lost cause

I dunno why I wrote this or why I write about what troubles me, I guess what others see to be ugly and unwanted I see to be beautiful and right, even if this same ugliness is the reason I am sometimes sad. I gotta say though currently I am as happy as I could be, things are piecing themselves together and I can feel myself getting stronger emotionally and physically. I am happy where I am and I wouldn't change a thing! Well here's what I wrote:


Just a second guess
There can always be a second chance
When one learns to open their heart
Put all grudges aside
Always a wise option to a good start
But it's not easy to see eye to eye
An age old distance grows greater with time
There's this great thick white line
A line that stays between two human beings
When it's drawn there is no eraser
Capable of making it disappear
A human's stubbornness is an ever-growing storm
The more it's fed the stronger it becomes
When will this hurricane die?
When will our heavy-weight egos get off the pedestal and be put aside?
Lookin around more and more people seem to be empty inside
Yet there is no room for another
Selfishness to the point of being heartless
So tough they don't wanna look any further
A loving friendship has no become a hostile nothingness
Where did the beauty go?
What happened to the somewhat dependence?
A love once lost has now become a legend
Second chances have become a myth
The blame becomes strong
Even if both sides are wrong
But life goes on and we all put the past behind us
In the end what is bad terms started with happiness

Stairing at the paintings on the wall
Wishing I could be trapped in time
No worries about when I'll rise or fall
Everything would be just fine
I watch and wait
Trying to see how long it'll take for things to change
I got love issues
But I love you all the same
Trust you more then I should
Please stay trapped in this painting of mine
Where there is no consequences or time
We could hold hands
Run through the sand
Cliché as it may be
With you I can clearly see
Everything is just a little more vibrant
For once I am just that much more content

Look for me trapped in a photograph
Beautifully painted and composed
No need for an epitaph
This moment has been frozen.

We could stand
Watch and wait
To see how long it’ll take
For things to change
Or just make everything remain the same

All I need is you
All you need is me
We could be together
For everyone to see

Look for me trapped in a photograph
Beautifully painted and composed
No need for an epitaph
This moment has been frozen.

We could stand
Watch and wait
To see how long it’ll take
For things to change
Or just make everything remain the same

I know we’ve had our problems
I know we’ll have some more
There is no way to change them
You I can’t ignore
Let’s forget about the past
Just live for whats gonna come

Fear of succeeding

What if …?
A question better left unanswered
Balled up tight scared
Scared of succeeding
Don’t want to end up like the low lives that tried
“What would you like to be when you’re older?”
My first grade teacher asked as I answered
“A Parrot”
But looking back I wish I could’ve thought about the question
I’d like to be as far away from the parrot as possible
Sure it ain’t logical but so many have this profession
Walking in others shoes as if they never owned their own
Worn out at 35 they look back and wish they could’ve been original
They just say what others want them to say
Pawns at the hands of a higher power who started as they did
Their future anyone could’ve predicted
Read ‘em like a book
Kissing ass just to get the chance
When they look back they remember that question
“What would you like to be when you’re older?”
All of a sudden the cold shoulder got colder

HOLY CRAP I SAW MADBALL! My life is complete! What I was missing was fun, I feel so exhilarated and happy! I love it! Tomorrow is a bitchass day and I am working and going to my friends show, I am gonna wreck people and it is gonna be so much fun, I miss going to shows!

Valentine's Day isn't real!

Fuck that holiday it's just a load of bullshit, you can call me the Grinch who fuckin hates Valentine's Day cause I really do! It's just another holiday to make all the single people in the world feel unwanted, thanks Hallmark you guys are true pioneers now fuck off!
I gotta say I am pretty happy though, things are looking up, somehow I feel like there is something missing though, like there was something in the past that just isn't here anymore. Can't really tell ya what it is but it's not the same. Haha oh well everything comes and goes and well I guess I am just gonna have to go to the next phase in my life and move on. If it really matters whatever is missing will come back. Everything needs unusual amounts of time! I wish that wasnt true but it is so I am just gonna have to wait and let everything fix itself up.
Gonna go see Madball, Terror, Hoods, and Alpha and Omega tonight and I am stoked! No more of this depressing shit, no more of this I need a girlfriend shit either! Fuck relationships, if there is a girl for me then she will show up, I am done trying to find her. Things are gonna change and I am ready for it! LA here I come so you better be fucking ready! I am so excited my best friend is moving with me, Britanny and I are going to have so much fun! Plus Winston the french bulldog will be there too!

A young man
With his head in the sand
Asking for forgiveness
But just getting rejection
Treat others like you'd like to be treated
If this were true non of us would've proceeded
With the many actions we carried out in the past
Non of us would last
Non of us would last

He gave others his heart
And they gave him the cold shoulder
He didn't know where to start
Never turned down a single order
A social outcast but not by choice
It's not his fault no one wanted to hear his voice
If he were to treat others the way he was treated
He would curse every living soul he never needed!

Live For Yourself

I am the bastard’s son
I am the wretched one
A dark cloud resting behind joyous eyes
I am anger in disguise
Ain’t got nothing to prove to nobody
Don’t care if you don’t think I am somebody
Like a river flowing through a ghost town
I live life with a smile hidden behind a frown
Tell me where you see yourself in 10 years
This question haunts my ears
I know what I wanna be
There’s no paved road to the American Dream
A long ways to go and lots of hardships ready to sink
I’ll make it or so I think
No matter what
I’ll remain content
I’ll keep my head up
I’ll let the scent of failure escape through the vent
Self acceptance is hard to find
Everything’s gotta die
At least I know I will die with pride
I ain’t gonna lie
Everything’s gotta die
At least I know I will die with pride!

this peom is probably one of my favorites! my grandma and grandpa used to read me a poem from this author's books every night that I stayed at their house. the only change I would make in the poem is I would change the grandma to grandpa cause I am not fond of my grandma very much cause she divorced my grandpa when he turned 79 and left him when he was his weakest but he is stronger then he ever was now at 86 years old and I love him!

Super Sampson Simpson by Jack Prelutsky

I am Super Samson Simpson,
I'm superlatively strong,
I like to carry elephants,
I do it all day long,
I pick up half a dozen
and hoist them in the air,
it's really somewhat simple,
for I have strength to spare.

My muscles are enormous,
they bulge from top to toe,
and when I carry elephants,
they ripple to and fro,
but I am not the strongest
in the Simpson family,
for when I carry elephants,
my grandma carries me.

Wishin'

We all wish we had someone to call our own
Love is a thought better felt then known
Right when we think we got things right
It feels like everything goes wrong in just a night
Makes me wonder
Why everything goes under
Is true love really out there?
Or is life gonna continue to be unfair?
So sick of being alone
Just wish I could have someone to talk to on the phone
Someone who understands me
Someone I can feel like I need
Someone to be with me when nights are lonely and cold
Someone to turn to when all my troubles unfold
Valentines is not gonna be the same
My birthday feels like it might be lame
Having someone around just makes things better
Having no one to call my own has kept me under the weather
Everyone says I'll have my day under the sun
When will that day come
I'll wait as long as it'll take
To find someone far from fake
I'll take my time
Find someone I can truly call mine
I'll give her nothing but happiness
Treat her well and make an endless promise
To never yell or argue with her
To be as caring as I can be
To never let her get hurt
To always be by her side and never leave
Won't act like other guys
I'll make her realize
She's worth more then she could ever imagine
Could make a girl happier then she had ever been.......................

Don't sit there dazed and confused
This is where I insert my point of view
What I really think about the world and everything inside
Would shock you and leave you thinking I am right
Just cause things are wrong doesn't mean you can't put up a fight
It might just be me but it seems like too many have lost sight
Giving up on giving up
Not even trying to try to stay on top
Life may seem unfocused
Blurry to the naked eye
Nothing'll get sharp with just time
Sure you got hurt
But time is worthless without the effort
So get up or shut up
How do I know what to say?
Cause the person being addressed is me everyday.

A quick glance at the world around me
An emptiness fills the air
So many lossed souls searching for sympathy
But no one really cares

Breath in sorrow and sadness
Exhale anger and madness
More and more, others are searching for an answer
It's sad that this answer doesn't exist
Yet they don't stop looking, they feed off the search like cancer
Tense and unwilling to cooperate they grow angry and ball up a fist
A swing at the sky and another at the face of society
A realization has come to be
Sometimes you find everything in nothing and nothing in everything
The more you search the farther you get from the truth
Now beaten and bruised you will take anything
Stray away from this sorrow and unacceptance
All answers don't fall far from the tree
Happiness is the only way you can see
A mad man is blind and broken
A joyous figure can see color and often gets what he has chosen

only thing left to look forward to right now!

i need a hug

that is all.

Just something weird I wrote!

Panic
From a manic depressive
Thoughts
About knots left from being alone
Breaking
The growing barriers that have been made by others
Kill
Just for the thrill of destroying fake feelings made by lovers
Run
Get away from the con we call problems

Why
Did I make all the careless mistakes while I was under the weather?
Where
Was there an opportunity to make things better?
When
Will things change and stay that way?
What
Will my future be like when all is said and done?
How
Is it possible for all the scum of the earth to thrive?
Can
I truly get over this distrust for humanity and "survive"?

Questions asked
Answers stated
Issues passed
And problems faded
All things have to change
But hope has a range
Deposited my good feelings
Saved them for later
Withdrew my sadness and sorrow
Get it over with so I can have a better tomorrow.

Questioning my existence and why I came to be
Dark days surrounded by ignorance I have just come to see
Trying to figure out what's alright and what's not OK
Wishing nothing would annoy me today
Some people are just out to irritate you like fleas
It's not bad to make new enemies
Like the death of John F Kennedy it's a mystery
Why non of us have come to see
That the secret to life is to just be happy

Sure there is those problems
Ever haunting our lives
But they only exist when we let them get to our head
Watching you sink and leaving you for dead
Could tell you to ignore or pretend like they don't exist
But reality will just make things worse and you'll be pissed
The truth is all you can do is cope
Try to rid off all potential problems and cope

Mixed emotions hitting you from all angles makes it hard
Feels like you got hit by a car
Head spinning
To the point that you can hear your own whimpering
No one ever said it would be easy
Just living your own life aint easy

the definition of People

all in all its unknown, a person is really random there is no one person that is alike and no one person that can fully trust another. i have only lived 20 years but i have been all over the world and the realization that i have come up with.... well.... i don't like people all too much. is it cause i am misanthropic? no. is it cause i have been fucked over sooooooo many times? no. it's because no one person can fully make up their minds and be content with what they have. everyone in this miserable hell whole i call ventura are so materialistic and full of it they make all their problems everyone elses. i look at those people and they make me sick! sure i have been pissed, sure i have been unbelievably sad but never have i made it anyone's problem but my own, i turn to a select few to help me out and if i turn to you consider yourself lucky cause i dont like to do that often. i guess i am just rambling but for once i am content with everything i got and if i were to lose my material goods in a fire... well i'd be ok with that cause i dont need them to survive.
thanks to the friends who helped me out when i needed it,
J!D!

here i go again

the search for the new room mate is on once again! I am ecstatic and excited, not really. HAHA This shit is getting old, I am tired of meeting new people. Oh well, I'll be in Santa Monica soon and I hope my best friend will be too, who knows?

To all those that I havent been acting like myself towards,
I am sorry, the last week sucked and I really should've kept my composure. I am never this way and it really sucks that I havent been myself. The truth is it could be a lot worse, it really could! I am truly sorry to those who have it that bad and am willing to help ya out if you need it. Although no one will probably read this I just wanted to put it out there. My problems arent even half bad, I'll live and everything will get way better! I can't wait for my best friend to move out here and hang out with me, gonna be sick! We will ruin LA with an iron fist haha! No more staying in bed past 9 and definitely no more punching walls cause my pinky is pretty swollen haha! I am gonna chill with some friends!
Later,
J!D!

PS there is a huge fire down the street! Lots of smoke and firetrucks haha RAD!

just bring it

bring the bad luck cause I am ready for it, my room mate is moving out tomorrow which means I have to find a room mate in 5 fucking days or I have to pay $1420! FUCK! I would ask can shit get any worse but I wont cause I know it can!

Who ya kidding?
Lies fed to the hungry
False hopes and dreams
Filled with ads and schemes
We sit and watch the damnation
Of the multimillion dollar corporation

I wanna be the son of a bitch responsible
For misleading the leader
For conning the con artist
For killing the killer
With the mindset on total destruction
I wanna rid the undermining instructions

I don't wanna get rich fast
I wanna work hard and make it last
Nothing's given away for free
Every free giveaway has got a consequence!

ANGER
Angry at the world
Personal and probable
I ain’t changing for a living soul
Comfortable living in a whole
Outcasted from all social profiles
Would and have walked for miles
Finding solidarity
Where others wouldn’t care to see

Can’t stand society
Get my kicks from hating humanity
There isn’t a thing worth caring about
Not a soul worth losing your hair over
No joke
I wish the scum of the earth would just choke

Outlaws of society
Outcasted by normality
We are different in our own entirety
I just want to be me
Stick out like a sore thumb
Life’s just like laces just undone

I am so glad I have such good friends right now, especially one though. Britanny Lobdell you are and will always be my best friend, hopefully all goes as planned and we will live together with Winston! I hope and know nothing will ever get between us and I am positive you will become famous and get your Audi TT cause you are confident in yourself and very smart, that is a rare find! Thanks for always being there for me through thick and thin, this friendship will last forever I promise! Love you boo!



PS Disneyland and tattoos soon!

Not gonna find peace of mind
Finding it hard to find
Happiness not short from sadness
Anger's got a lot to do with my madness!

Blow your brains out
Hang yourself under a childhood tree
Take the easy way out
Selfishness aint anything short of being lazy
Used to feel bad
Can't believe in crying inside
No matter how big or bad your problems are
Someones problems are bigger by far!

Tears aint worth a dime unless they are being filmed
Screams can be heard by everything but progress
Going no where fast but everywhere quickly
Your direction has become endless
Change it quick so death can feel like an accomplishment instead of a nuisance

Why turn your back on life?
Figure it out but don't give me an answer
Stop asking questions
Don't exhert such angry gestures
Don't bring up your religion
Aimlessly following a story
A pathetic follower searching for acceptance
Except where it makes the most sense
An agnostic without a cause
Don't agree with any psychological laws
My blood can run cold
But my body remains warm!

FROGGER!

HAHA I MADE THIS IN CLASS! PURE BOREDOM!
Frog Animation with After Effects

People can be extraordinarily selfish, it makes me sick just thinking about people's unusual self-centered personality. I have only met a few people who are truly kind and who help others before themselves, one of which is my best friend who lives 3,000 miles away but is soon gonna be living with me. If people could be more like her there wouldn't be so much sadness or pain cause others would truly be there for their friends and not just say it. I can't remember the last time I made a big deal out of anything cause I know there are problems bigger and much more painful then any I may have. I love life and nothing is going to change that. The bigger portion of society needs to take their heads out of their asses and stop making such a big deal out of such small problems.
with that being said I wrote this:
Masks of false emotions
This is not how I truly feel
All is not well
Far from ok
Sickened by society
Hurt by selfishness

My heart is filled with pity
My lungs are filled with hatred
I breathe in anger and fear
There is no sign that hope is near

We watch as the world spins
Ask our selves why people punish themselves for their sins
What doesn’t make sense to us
Makes sense to others
Keep your mouth shut
And your ears open
Maybe you could learn a thing or two
About the real you

My eyes only see war
My ears only hear slander
I can see change
But even that has a range

Many ask themselves what is the point
No answer has been scientifically proven
But you live day by day
Only to see that everything keeps moving
It’s no secret that life is a plant in itself
It breathes and every now and then needs to be taken off the shelf

My hands only feel the sharp blades of lessons learned
My head only thinks about love lost
I hope I will never again be burned
By the unadulterated feeling of lust

I’ve come so far from being a child
My feeling of love however has been sick and mild
I hope that one day I find my way out
Of this dilute jar of feelings I no longer need
Like anger, fear, and hatred
Others live off a picture perfect façade
I keep my distance from that jagged knife
Maybe you are my ticket out of this hell whole I call life