Unsanctioned Bliss

The eyes of someone who cares
A heart skips a beat
And in turn a glance turns to a promise
A break in our hurtful lifestyle
And a second turns to a moment
The hopes of what may be to come
Like the record played on repeat
A step turns to a leap

The mind shuts down
Leaving nothing to the conscience
There is no may not
Just a may be
And with this we decree
That love at first sight
Is nothing but a dim light
Hard to see
And cause of failure we flee

But there is always that what if…
That one slight riff
Of which replays on a chance you wish you had taken
Before you went and got bruised and broken
Where’d this island go?
Where we retreat to take a break from defeat
Love like a foreign language
Never easy to tell what was made to salvage.

You know for once I am proud of myself because I had the capability to sit down and put myself in front of a canvas and just go at it! This is all charcoal and it felt good to forget everything that was bothering me and just mesh the charcoal with the canvas!

As I take a look at my mangled form
I take in the sight as I learn
It’s me that went wrong
All the while I…
Left this as it was
Hurtful and unrelenting
Tormenting every move
Fixations of a perfect world
Over-casted by reality
With no sign of sincerity
Town to town
In search of another victim
All I’ve found
Are cities void of sound

Killing the dead
Cursing the gambler
All the while screaming a silent scream
My sanity is tearing at the seams
And I’ll always be drifting
Turn me away!

I can't believe Winston's gone

he died two days ago when he fell in the pool and couldn't get out. he is a good swimmer but my mom thinks he may have bitten a frog and it sprayed him cause they found an orange spot on his head. he must have been very disoriented and I keep picturing my brother panicking and jumping in the pool. my whole family and I are very devastated and I cried every tear that was left in my system.

it has been really hard but my family has helped me out and I have done the same for them since he was more like all of our dog. they have arranged for me to have another french bulldog puppy, looking through all the pictures was really hard since I did the same for Winston, and I found one I could love and care for to the best of my ability. honestly no dog could replace Winston, he was everything I could ever ask for in a dog and more, but my parents believe it is best that I have a new companion to cheer me up and I trust no one's judgment more then my parents. to think though, in a couple weeks Winston was supposed to be here with me in California.


RIP Winston, you were the all time greatest dog and my best friend.

Too much to think about

My eyes have turned to a dark shade of gray
Love found it's reasons to come and go
And I could never find reasons to stay
For if I did I'd call myself a coward
So I turned around and gave you the cold shoulder
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt her"
But all those apologies I never left unsaid
Found reasons to make their way out of my unforgiving head
Curse my name every time love finds ways into your life
My brand has scarred you and for that I do apologize
But I am not sorry that I could never love you again
It will always be my life I'll defend
I'm sorry I see you as a grudge
And I know our love will never amount to much

So do as you please
But know I am stubborn and will find reasons to leave
I'll turn my back when it is my lips you are looking for
And I'll shut my mouth when you want me to talk
Yes I have heard your cries and know it is me you adore
But to force anyone to love is a sin in itself
So I'll walk away as I've done many times before
And now I apologize for the pain you've had to endure.

somehow I always find myself reading this poem...

A Season in Hell by Arthur Rimbaud
A while back, if I remember right, my life was one long party where all hearts were open wide, where all wines kept flowing.
One night, I sat Beauty down on my lap.—And I found her galling.—And I roughed her up.
I armed myself against justice.
I ran away. O witches, O misery, O hatred, my treasure's been turned over to you!
I managed to make every trace of human hope vanish from my mind. I pounced on every joy like a ferocious animal eager to strangle it.
I called for executioners so that, while dying, I could bite the butts of their rifles. I called for plagues to choke me with sand, with blood. Bad luck was my god. I stretched out in the muck. I dried myself in the air of crime. And I played tricks on insanity.
And Spring brought me the frightening laugh of the idiot.
So, just recently, when I found myself on the brink of the final squawk! it dawned on me to look again for the key to that ancient party where I might find my appetite once more.
Charity is that key.—This inspiration proves I was dreaming!
"You'll always be a hyena etc. . . ," yells the devil, who'd crowned me with such pretty poppies. "Deserve death with all your appetites, your selfishness, and all the capital sins!"
Ah! I've been through too much:-But, sweet Satan, I beg of you, a less blazing eye! and while waiting for the new little cowardly gestures yet to come, since you like an absence of descriptive or didactic skills in a writer, let me rip out these few ghastly pages from my notebook of the damned.