I take a look around me

Although I may be disgusted with how fake the world may be and how two sided everyone is, I find it in my heart to hold hatred back. It makes you weak to truly hate anything, your mind begins to race faster then the speed of sound and you wish the worst for those who offend you, but if anything were to happen to those people your satisfaction would not be as adequate as the feeling of never letting the smallest things get to you. Everyone finds something new to hate and everyone aint me, for I am different and different I will stay. Quite frankly I dont care if people forget about me or never talk to me again cause I am my own best friend and I am quite comfortable without others problems. You all fight, you all swear, you all pretend like things will get better through mindless actions when in reality the facade never truly wins it just finds itself empty in the end, unfullfilled. Quote me or antagonize me, seriously it doesnt matter to me cause this is my point of view. Hatred is clumsy emotion, first you hate, then you loath, then you are hated and the cycle never ends. This whole thing might seem like me just going on a tangent and to some it may not make sense but it does to me and hopefully others will understand where I am coming from.

well

i got another job offer from Fox Reality for another 10 days except this time the show is gonna be with German contestants and the show is gonna be in German... oh well $275 a day aint bad, I am definitely not turning that down.




i miss you.

it'd be in my best interest

to just look the other way. to forget we ever had a "thing".
i really just want to treat a girl with the utmost respect, i felt sick today when my friend told me he wanted to congratulate his friend for being a "player". that stuff is retarded and I am so glad I am not like that, but no girl recognizes how i would be different from other guys.
I want so bad to have a girl who respects me for me, a girl I can have fun with and who I dont feel I have to go out of my way to impress.
i know this one girl who I have liked for a while but I know she doesn't and wont like me the same while, I wanna forget about ever liking her but this is the girl I just described.

what do I do?

My attempt at Horror Punk

Coffin nails for the door hinges
Razor blades for knobs
No way out
One way in
Problems, obstacles, regrets
Figurative points with no way around
Bodies hang from my windowsill
Skeletons in the basement
Horrific memories stored for later
When forever turns to never

I took a look into your eyes
And with a spoon, no more lies
Scooped out the curse that haunts my dreams
You're eyes like switchblades
My body, the target
No time for beauty in a girl so wicked
So stab me darling
Turn my body to a pulp
Leave no evidence of a battered body
Don't let them see what you've done
My lifeless corpse
Evidence of a fake love turned horribly wrong
Livid hurts the boiling fever
When forever turns to never

time

doesn't heal a god damn thing if you don't put in any effort.

such a good day!

it was awesome thrift store jumping and trying on rediculous outfits with hannah, chris, and mal! cant wait to do it again and to buy that painting for 40 bucks!

lately

the only thoughts that consume my mind are the thoughts that never have any true meaning. thoughts I can not and would never want to explain. I am finding it hard to sleep cause my head is a incoherent mess. I struggle to find solidarity within a lonely lifestyle and have grown weary to having any company at all. Its like everything I used to be is now gone, I used to need the company around and now I hate it. I write well constructed lyrics but if there was a window peering into my mind you would see nothing but a mess of words. I have been thinking and only thinking, thinking way too much is a sickness.

for once

I would like to be cliche, you know? I'd like a girl I could take out on a date and on New Years or the 4th of July I could kiss her under fireworks. I'd take her on the most amazing old school dates and stuff and we would have nothing but fun. Instead I am alone again on a holiday I actually like, its been like this for years, girls just mess with my head and not once was one truthful to me. The only time I "loved" someone she dumped me and I haven't been the same since. I was so careful with her, I tried to do everything right and I did my best to try and make the relationship last and she dumped me sooner then I thought she would. Been single for over a year and it is getting tiring. It's officially the fourth of July and again I am alone...

do i want sympathy for writing this? no, I dont even think anyone will read this. I never tell anyone anything and I guess this is my only way of actually "venting" without anyone caring.